An old topic cause I can't quite sleep...

This is another post about rape fantasies; in this context I mean "fantasies about being raped", in other words, imagining oneself as the victim of a rape. Just to be clear -- because I recently realized it might be unclear -- this is what I typically mean when I use the term "rape fantasy" in my posts.

Also, fair warning for anyone reading this that might be triggered by a post about rape, even if it is discussed as fantasy, or in a purely theoretical context. Please just don't read if that is the case.

Lastly, I apologize if this post comes across as preachy. This topic is simply very personal to me. I do not expect people to agree with my sentiments just because I happened to write them down and publish them online.

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I've been reading about people who have rape fantasies again, and I've come to the conclusion that people who claim such fantasies are safe and possibly even empowering are having them for non-destructive reasons.

The problem with applying such claims in a general way to ALL of us who have rape fantasies is that some of us do indulge in them for self-destructive purposes.

There is a difference.

In order to explain, let me first consider: what makes rape rape? The most basic definition a person might come up with is that rape is being forced to have sex against one's will. A person who fantasizes about rape finds themselves aroused at the idea of being forced in this way.

However, having such fantasies does not always mean one wishes to be raped in real life.

The key, I think is in the issue of "want" -- what do people really want when they have fantasies about being raped? As far as I can surmise, there are two main reasons.

1) Relinquishing Control: They find the idea of completely relinquishing control during sex arousing. From my personal observation, these tend to be people who are otherwise dominant in life. They may have many responsibilities to carry out during the day, many people to manage at work, or many dependents at home. Therefore, to these people, giving up control for at least a short while is a liberation from responsibility. From their perspective, this liberation is a luxury and a pleasure, so linking it with sexual arousal is not necessarily surprising.

2) Self-hatred/Shame: They enjoy fantasizing about being raped not because giving up control is liberating, but because they are attracted to the idea of being abused and demeaned. People who fantasize for this reason are, without a doubt, deeply hateful of themselves, and gain immense satisfaction from the imagery, even the mere idea of their own defilement. In this way, the rape fantasy is actually a form of emotional self-injury. People who indulge in these fantasies for reasons of self-harm are likely turned off or afraid to indulge in other, more bodily forms of self-injury (cutting, asphyxiation, drug/alcohol abuse).

I believe that those who fantasize about rape for reasons of relinquishing control are having what one might term a "safe" rape fantasy. In truth, the "victims" are in control of the fantasy, taking it only so far enough in their minds to maintain the illusion of relinquishing control without relinquishing dignity as well. This type of rape fantasy can also be rightfully termed as the "ravishment" or "bodice-ripper" fantasy; these are terms that those who enjoy such imagery (and perhaps even roleplay it, in a controlled environment, with safewords and a partner they trust) may employ.

However, those who fantasize about rape for reasons of self-hatred are the ones most likely to actually enjoy being raped in real life -- because it's not the sex they're enjoying. It's the shame. Very likely, they have been abused in some way growing up (note: this abuse does NOT necessarily have to be physical in nature; my own example has shown otherwise) and therefore had the idea planted in their minds that they actually want, deserve or enjoy being abused. I believe this to be a defense mechanism, because as a child, one is often powerless to oppose abuse, and is afraid or ashamed to speak of it. A child may even convince themselves, or be convinced by the abuser that such behavior is normal and accepted.

The first reason suggests a person that desires to be sexually submissive, putting their version of rape fantasy in the realm of dominant/submissive or BDSM fantasy. In other words, it's staged rape, not real rape. There is no fear or shame involved in such fantasies, if they are done right. Indulging in these, in my opinion, does not constitute an unhealthy urge -- it is submissive, not self-destructive behavior.

The second reason suggests a person burdened by feelings of guilt and self-loathing, who believes the rape they imagine themselves victimized by is rightly deserved punishment. As I mentioned earlier, this is a form of self-injury, and if left unchecked, may eventually lead to seeking (perhaps even on a subconscious level) rape or other forms of abuse through websites, through online games or chatrooms, and ultimately in one's personal relationships.

These two reasons lead to two very, very different versions of rape fantasy from the victim's point of view.

And what I wish, after all my experience and struggling to understand what is truly wrong with me, is that people would understand that difference and NOT further encourage people who fall into the second category. Honestly, if one is to indulge in the "rapist" side of a rape fantasy, whether in online or face-to-face roleplay, one should first discuss with the intended "victim" what their reasons for wanting to indulge in rape fantasy are.

Failing to do so is failing at your responsibility as the dominant figure in the roleplay, and may very well lead you to hurt the victim in a REAL way, or encourage the victim to continue a pattern of emotionally abusing him/herself.

At the same time, however, the "victim" in a rape fantasy roleplay should also make an effort to think about their reasons for participating in it. Going into it without being totally sure may lead to putting oneself in a self-destructive or shameful situation. This may ruin the trust you might have had in your partner, even your ability to trust others in intimate situations.

This is something to be avoided at all costs! Do NOT allow yourself to be lax and simply think "I want to be a part of a rape fantasy because I like it, and that's that." The answer is very likely more complicated than that -- and the better you know your reasons, the better you will respect yourself, your partner, and those who have suffered real and lasting psychological harm at the hands of a rapist or abuser.

Mind you, it took me several years to come to the conclusions that I have written here tonight (err... this morning). After googling about this topic for a couple hours, part of me hopes that others who are lost and confused about rape fantasy will come across this post and read what I have to say. I know I'm just one person, and my opinion is neither gospel nor professional. But I think that I can at least speak from personal experience, and maybe what I write here may help someone else like me searching for opinions on the topic. *shrug* Who knows.