Slavery, again... some sexual topics.

(This lengthy post includes some musings on my sex life. Nothing graphic, because I abhor writing about that publically. But, the topic comes up so... fair warning. :P)

I often say that I feel too old. Old is a relative thing, though. If you think that humans live 70+ years, then yes, I am still young. I have over half my lifespan left... assuming that stress doesn't cut it short, anyway. *shrugs*

But when you think about what a person in their late twenties is expected to accomplish, I'm very old to be the way I am now. I have no college degree, am unemployed, at least a little bit agoraphobic, have no friends I can meet in person, and am ruled by the whims of my depression and anxiety-fueled paranoia.

And I don't think I should be excused just because I live with depression and anxiety. Most people learn to control it, over time. Most people learn how to hide their fears and keep their self-esteem issues internal, because in all honesty... it's the appearance that counts. If you can APPEAR to be emotionally stable and successful, the outside world will treat you the same as if you actually are. Even if you're not.

That's more or less how I lived up until my last semester of college. I wish that I could have kept up that facade for longer, because the way I am now is so utterly shameful that I'm embarrassed to be alive. It's stretched on and on without any real treatment for so long that I fear sometimes I simply can't be helped any more.

And I start to think to myself... this must be my fault, because I should be trying harder to overcome it. I'm not getting any younger, after all, and if I just sit here wallowing in it, I'm wasting people's time, money and care. It wasn't a very good idea to move here thinking I'd get my immigration done in a year's time. I could have tried staying at my parents' and staying in therapy and trying to finish college.

Would that have helped me? I don't think I will ever know now. Therapy helped me realize some things. But would it have helped my living situation? Would it have helped me not be afraid of my dad?

I keep thinking of what I would do if I couldn't have finished college or gotten work and I still lived at home. I might've forced myself to try, and maybe after a while my dad would've tried to get me a job somewhere, and/or forced me into one because of my lack of enthusiasm. Would that have been a happy life? You can't *give* someone motivation. All that drove me forward was the fear of disapproval and punishment, but that does not REPLACE genuine motivation.

And then that thought comes into my head again: I'd tell I'd just be their slave.

I don't know why that keeps coming back, because I know they wouldn't do that. My husband even asked them. Of course no one would make me a slave in *name*. But... what's the difference really? The implication I have lived with is that I owe my parents for putting up with me and taking care of me and providing for me all these years. "Nothing comes for free," my dad always said. "Everything has a price," he told me. And that price does not have to be money. It can be time, it can be work, it can be an obligation to be loyal.

The price can be dignity, too. It's not a far stretch, after all of that.

I just feel that I've become so wracked by my guilt and disgust at my own existence that the notion of being enslaved has a certain appeal to me. It is the way I feel when I want to give up responsibility and control, when I believe myself incapable to fulfill the obligations (real or imagined) that weigh me down every day. It is not a healthy appeal -- I do not condone slavery, and in fact, I even have a difficult time portraying it in Emberdays because of that (I believe there is a HUGE ethical difference between the concepts of "servant" and "slave" that is not defined by the law, but how it is practiced.) But it is there, just like the rape fantasies are there, linked to my perception of my own self-worth... or lack of it.

One of the challenges I face in having these extremely self-destructive thoughts is how to turn them into something non-self-destructive, while still fulfilling that desire I have to relinquish control. Ryshassa and Alexsei's relationship as both student/teacher and lovers comes the closest to filling that gap for me. Ryshassa, as I've often explained, is my most fragile and submissive persona... somewhat of my inner child, I suppose... and it is that mentality I take on when I need that sort of intimacy. She is still me, but a "me" that allows me to let go of my stress and fear, my responsibilities and obligations, and give myself into the hands of another. Why that often ends up being expressed sexually is... I think, at least... because that is when one is the most vulnerable.

But that vulnerability also means that just anyone won't do, at least not if I want to be safe and healthy about it. I'm not an expert on dominant/submissive sexuality -- I only know what I have personally lived. But I've had more than one experience in which I tried such things with someone I didn't trust enough with my vulnerability, or someone I shouldn't have trusted with it, and it just ended up damaging me emotionally. So I've entrusted my husband with that, who happens to be very receptive to the idea that I need to play out my submissive tendencies in the bedroom. (BTW, the role RP has in our sex life is NOT about dressing up and setting up elaborate scenarios. How do I describe it... it's more behavioral, I guess. Like, I may feel more "Ryshy"-ish during sex, because that's a convenient way to describe it, but I'm not actually pretending I'm someone I'm not.)

The funny thing is, though, that I am not always sexually submissive. Despite the fact I have this submissive side, I can actually be a very domineering person otherwise. So I can play both sides equally well. In fact, when Jon and I were first a couple, I was the more dominant one. He was rather shy with me. ^^ It took him years to build up to a dominant role, like the one Alexsei provides for Ryshy. I mean, he practically did the equivalent of swearing fealty to me, way back in 2000... was it 2000? Well, back when he called himself Blackout, and he was my assassin. I thought it was an unusual but flattering gesture then. I didn't realize just how serious he felt about his loyalty to me then. ^^

Loyalty is more than just words and fantasy, though. True loyalty is backed up with action, and tempered by respect -- self-respect, as well as respect between the sworn and his or her charge. As badly as I treat Jon sometimes, he gave his life to me, his love and his effort, and not for any reward. He did it because he wanted to see me happy. And he never thought he could force me to accept his love, or guilt-trip me into it due to how much he's done for me, or act as if he's entitled to be loved the same way in return.

I do not know sometimes that I am deserving of what he has given me, and continues to give to this day. Though he does not ask it, I still feel a sense of obligation even to him, at times, because of that belief ingrained into my mind that "everything has a price." So if he tries to do something good for me, if he sacrifices time and effort for me, I feel terrible if for some reason I can't accept or enjoy what he's done, or do the same in return.

He didn't create that guilt in me, though. I had it long before he came around. And I appreciate that he doesn't try to use my guilty conscience to his advantage, because it is very, VERY easy to manipulate me that way. If I feel I may be hurting or inconveniencing someone, I might do almost anything to make up for it, even give up things dear to me: my time to myself, my privacy and my dignity, my personal beliefs. I could literally enslave myself to someone's whims, just because I feel obligated to do so.

Knowing that, I feel sometimes like I'd be better off not socializing at all. I'm afraid of and also frustrated about how easily I can be taken advantage of. Sometimes, I really don't even NOTICE how and when people do that to me -- so I walk headlong right into another situation where I'm controlled by guilt and obligation.

And once I'm there... it's hard to get out. :/