(I didn't sleep till past noon, and only for 5-6 hours, ish... but yeah... I started this entry then, and am continuing it now!)

I've been sitting here poking half-heartedly at Dragonrealms (Atma is still 4 weapon ranks away from her next circle) and reading celebrity articles again. So odd that I've become interested in that only during this partial and indefinite hiatus I've been on since last month.

First on my list of celebrity stuff I read is this Richard Dean Anderson fansite. That being the actor who portrayed MacGyver as well as a leading role in Stargate SG-1. There's something both heartening and disappointing about reading about the real life of a character you liked. I guess with the character you end up having certain hopes and expectations, and not all of those are fulfilled.

I was sad, for example, to hear that he ended up breaking up (years ago, in fact) with the woman he had his only daughter with. I guess I'm just not impressed by the eternal bachelor type, because to me that signifies a man who wants the closeness of a relationship without the commitment or compromise involved in keeping it long term. Reminds me of the saying "to want your cake and eat it too." Of course, I don't deny he can be a compassionate and loving person -- he certainly gives a lot of love to his daughter, and he has championed plenty of philanthrophic and environmental causes. It's just my personal taste that I have more respect for men capable of the kind of loyalty that is conducive to long term relationships. I guess for me, romance has never quite died... but I'm lucky, to be with someone who is patient and understanding with me and so committed to my well-being, even when I am not. :/

Another thing that bugs me is in his post-MacGyver filmography. Right after MacGyver ended he starred in a couple of roles where he put away the good-guy attitude and played villains instead. Why? I guess he wanted to do something different with his career, try to shake people out of typecasting him as MacGyver. Honestly, I don't even think he has to worry about that nowadays, with a second popular series under his belt. But ugh, wtf? Playing a sociopathic, abusive husband? Torrid sexual affairs as a building contractor? Ewww... the worst part is that they were made-for-TV movies. WHY? ;.;

So yeah... a little disappointing, but there's no reason I can't like the character more than the actor. Not that MacGyver ever really had a long term relationship, all the girls he met ended up dying, getting married to other people, or becoming nuns. :P I've never understood why anyone would think of that sort of James Bond mentality as attractive, though. I suppose from the fangirls' point of view, so long as the character is an eternal bachelor they are free to fantasize about him coming to sweep them off their feet. The part I want to ask is "what happens when he gets bored of you?" I mean, that moment is just... gone! Unless you're ok with being an occasional fuck-buddy or something.

Gah, no. Not for me. I'm attracted to men with compassion and ingenuity, but by far and large there needs to be loyalty with it, or I just lose interest quick. I mean... why bother if you can't keep 'im? That's what I say! :D But at the same time, I realize that my viewpoint is seen by many people to be a total fairytale -- as in, eventually, all couples end up becoming disloyal to each other one way or another. I won't deny it happens often, but I think being honest with one another, keeping communications open and having similar interests and lifestyle helps a lot with that.

On the other hand... I'm not the type to say everyone should get married. Or have children. I believe people should do what makes them happy. I just hate when people look at me and lump me in with the crowd that gets married and reproduces and such because that's "what you're supposed to do as an adult." Because that's not why I did it. I admit to wanting the legal advantages marriage gives, but I also like calling my husband my husband... it has a symbolic meaning for me personally, as I'm sure it does for Jon.

The more I think about it though, the less I actually want a wedding *ceremony*, like I used to angst about. I think that instead of that, I want the love we have to give birth to the kind of projects that will give back to humanity in some way. Even if it's just to provide an outlet for those of us who have problems we cannot speak of openly -- and need someone more articulate to "speak" it for them, through music, writing and art. Every day I remain with my husband, I realize, is a day I am celebrating our union, just by its continued existence. And every day I speak of it, or write about it, to others, that too is saying more than I could ever say in an hour or so forcing all my family and friends to sit in a room together on our behalf.

In a way, it feels almost... more arrogant that way. Like I'm showing off, "look at our love!" Do I need to do that? I can do better by simply living the example I want to give, and being honest about myself and about our relationship in every day life.

Anyway, back to the celebrities topic. As I've mentioned previously, I've been following articles about Britney Spears lately. Not so I can be morbidly amused by her fall, but just... out of a sort of sympathetic compassion, I guess, being emotionally troubled myself, but without the paparazzi hounding me and the media smearing my name. The latest articles I've found have been upsetting and disturbing to me -- for example, about the Associated Press already writing out her obituary before she's dead. I know that this HAPPENS, but actually having it leak out that you're doing it is just that much worse. There's people just waiting out there for Britney to die so there's a BIG STORY to write about.

From this source: "We are not wishing it, but if Britney passed away, it’s easily one of the biggest stories in a long time," Us quoted AP entertainment editor Jesse Washington.

Oh sure... I totally believe that they care if she dies. </sarcasm> I believe there are very few that do, in fact. While there are plenty of people who are quick to try and "diagnose" what she has before she's been formally examined. Everything but "multiple personality disorder" to cyclothymia. Personally, I don't think any decent practitioner of psychiatry would be giving out their diagnoses (after what, one day's examination, at that?) to the media, anyway. Unless Britney specifically signed for it to be given... which I seriously doubt. I don't think she'd want her mental condition talked about openly like that. She doesn't even seem to want to acknowledge she HAS one.

And she shouldn't have to, out in public. I just think it's a travesty how the media is just profiting on her suffering so much. But the people who actually WANT those stories to laugh at are just as terrible, in my opinion. Yeah, I look at the stories too, for my own information, but I'd be just as happy if they DIDN'T exist. Even if Britney herself wants them to sometimes. Honestly, I believe her courting the media could be a mix of self-destructive behavior and a desperate desire for ANY sort of attention because of her insecurities. The only thing I wish is that she herself would realize she needs help, before the circus everyone's made of her life consumes her completely.

I know it's odd for me to have sympathy for Britney Spears -- I'm surprised at it myself. But seeing her torment displayed so wide open and shamelessly in the media, I can only see that she is messed up deep inside, and it's a kind of hurt that I am familiar with. Fear of failure, frustration with my self-image, depression and desperation, extreme behavior in acting out that desperation... all of these are things I have felt in some way or form. And it can only be worse for her, because as I've said, the ENTIRE WORLD is looking at her, and the majority of them are laughing and derisive.

Fucking bastards, all of them. Sorry to be harsh, but seeing all these people entertained by the REAL (not some faked "reality" show) suffering of a star they once adored makes me SICK to be part of the human race. It's just WRONG. I'm not saying people ought to LIKE Britney, but have the freaking decency to try and understand that she may actually have a mental illness behind all of her erratic behavior. I don't think her behavior should be entirely excused (for example, I believe it's a good idea that she not have custody of the kids right now) but she shouldn't be blamed as if she's doing it all on purpose, either. She's ill -- and just like ANY other person with a serious illness, she ought to be treated accordingly, not as some crazy carnival exhibit to chat about with friends.