Well it's Christmas Eve now, and I'm going to be heading to my inlaws.

I've not been up to much lately except not getting enough sleep, being irritable and stressed about the littlest things (like, a couple days ago I was so fucking pissed off about not being able to S-rank PSU story missions for PA frags, and I kept trying and trying at it until I got it) and basically wanting to give up on life, or at the very least participating or socializing in it.

I was supposed to play Wardragon yesterday but I couldn't because I was so damn sleep deprived due to all the depression, stress and anxiety keeping me up all night. So I just exploded and said "fuck this" more or less and said I'd leave the game, since I couldn't post anything due to being too damn tired and distraught, and people would disregard my character's attempts at leadership and just do whatever they want, anyway.

Jon told me that people agreed not to play that day after all, but I'm not even sure I can play Archana any more due to my excessive anxiety about PCs not taking her seriously as a leader. I'm having problems with Clarissa in Selina's game, too -- not about her being a leader (that group of PCs are more on equal ground other than Baskerville being Clarissa's bodyguard). But I'm really worried about her being relegated to a character that people tell what to do, because I'm having trouble figuring out her personality and how to RP her and such. :/ It's not that I can't play a follower -- it's just that Clarissa is not supposed to be one. She's actually older than she looks, and I never envisioned her as someone to take orders, especially to do things she's not even all that good at. So if people are telling her to use her gun and pick off people who run, it really makes me think I'm not RPing her right. :(

That kind of makes it harder for me to enjoy playing her. But, that's also my general state of mind lately -- not really enjoying anything. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mind, sometimes. I can't even take a tiny bit of stress without overreacting and panicking any more. Like, just a few hours ago I was trying to get a new ICQ number started, but for some reason the new ICQ numbers don't work properly with the old ICQ program or something like that. Most specifically, I can't seem to change my account details, or specify requiring authorization for others to add me to their contact list. I was still extremely sleep deprived at the time (this was right after blowing up during Wardragon) so I completely flipped out at not being able to fix it the way I wanted. I wanted to use it to talk to Selina about something on my mind. But... it doesn't work.

I just don't think I can log into my old number any more because it's SO damn ad-spammed now. :/ I can't even avoid ads if I'm on invisible, so it's just... extremely frustrating to be logged into it at all. So if I can't get the new number to work I'll probably only log into ICQ very sparingly.

*shrugs* Anyway, I have some more things to prepare, and then I'll probably try to sleep more before I head to my inlaws place, or something. This is probably the least festive holiday season I've ever had because the entirety of it has been plagued with me being in this extreme depressed and anxious state. It's Christmas Eve... but I don't even know I want to be alive.

But as usual, there's no cause for worry. I still think death is the worse option. If ever I stopped believing that, though... I'd be gone without a second thought.

Some people may wonder "why"? As in, why am I so depressed lately? The first answer I'd give is, "I've always been depressed." I'm an emotionally sick person and I have been for many years. The thing is, I am either able to disregard it or fight against it a lot of the time. There are some things in life that I enjoy and concentrating on those help too. There are people I care about and purposes I want to achieve that drive me to continue existing. But there are times when my depression becomes so overwhelming that even the few things I enjoy and the few people I like to spend time with bring me no solace.

Again, why? There can be certain things that trigger me. The season doesn't help, because it's deep winter now, so I don't spend much time outside at all (beyond already being somewhat agoraphobic in the first place), and it's dark more often than light. Besides that, I just plain get burned out after a while, because I'm always putting what others want and think before myself, even when I really OUGHT to be thinking more of my own health and sanity. I worry too much about people when they're going through hard times, or I worry that they'll not want to do things with me any more if I'm gone. I try so hard to build up friendships with others because I'm scared of ending up with no social life to speak of, even online. Yet at the same time, I don't think myself worthy of attention as I am. So I push myself very hard to be friendly, provide interesting conversation, help them out if they need someone to talk to, and participate in things they enjoy.

So what happens if I need some time to myself? I feel guilty about needing to withdraw from friendships and socializing and life for a while. I think, "if I do that I'll inconvenience people." Or "if I do that they'll forget about me and move on." Or "if I'm not there and they're in trouble, maybe they'll hurt themselves or think no one cares." So I might try to stay away a little while, but eventually some worry or obligation comes up and I push myself out of my hermitude and try to be around again. Sometimes, the worry is just enough to push me out of glumness and I go back to being my "usual" friendly self. But if I've not allowed myself enough rest, I end up extremely cranky and irritable. So I either come back on IRC and IMs and end up being quiet and all but unreachable anyway, or I do talk with / RP / play games with people, but end up losing my temper a lot and saying things I regret.

All that to say that I've not been allowing myself the alone time I need to recover. There's always something I come back for, and now I feel like I've extended my unreliable online presence to a point it's near irreparable. I feel like I'm going to lose everything I have -- the last semblance of a social life I have, friends and people to game with, just... everything. Because I don't even have the energy to deal with anyone or anything any more.

So I feel like I should just give up. Why even bother now having friends? They have other people to talk to and confide in and do things with. If I disappeared the only thing it'd do is inconvenience the games people run. And I'm hardly even able to enjoy RP lately, due to my emotional state. I can't even DO anything any more without having some sort of panic attack -- even trying to get to SLEEP gets me anxious, because I have trouble sleeping. So I just stay up until I'm so fucked up my body just gives out from exhaustion.

I feel like that's all my life is now. I'll just keep trying and worrying and pushing myself to do things until I'm so exhausted my body gives out. My MIND has trouble giving up, with all my various anxieties spurring me on, so the only conclusion is that my body will wear out before my mind does.

In other words: if I can't kill myself, stress will do it for me.

Now isn't that a nice sentiment for the holidays?