Worthlessness.

I just don't know what to do.

I don't feel like I'm going to be better any time soon.

I just want to disappear because I'm not good at getting things done. The most I've done is kept ED running, and I have enough ideas prepared that I can do that. But beyond that, I don't know. I'm just... horrible. I feel irritable and intolerant of even the littlest annoyances. I can't feel enthusiastic about anything.

I don't know how to not feel like this once it starts. I've just had to let it run its course. Is that what I'll do now?

One thing weighing on my mind a lot is finishing my writeup for Nekira's game. I REALLY want to, but every time I open up the file I just think my ideas are terrible and boring and I can't even muster the inspiration to write what little I have left to write. I HATE that because I really badly want to be in the game, and I think the ST is a really cool person.

But she's just met me and how do I explain this mood I'm in? I don't even know how long I'll take to get out of it. My gut feeling tells me I'll need more time. That's all I know. I can't freaking stand these moods, but I can't just turn them off.

I feel like I'm just always letting people down. I can't stand that feeling. When I get that way, I think of desperate things sometimes. But other times I just get stubborn and kick myself out of it.

I keep hoping it'll be the latter. I don't need this to happen right now.

But if I keep pushing myself when I'm in this state... it could just take me longer to recover. If I take it easy now, maybe it could be a week or a few more days. But I've had longer hiati than that. Not like... months long, but definitely weeks. I think it's moments like these that make me feel so hopeless about ever having a real job, because what am I going to do if I get like this and I'm on a payroll? Yeah right! I'll just get fired.

It's bad enough that I fuck up people's expectations NOW. Or I end up being a bad friend with how little I'm around. I get so angry at myself sometimes. How can my mind work against me like this? No matter how much I WANT to do things, to be there for people, once the depression sets in I just... can't do ANYTHING any more.

I've been thinking about Cat lately too. I'm sure she's all right or I would've heard something from Eni. But I haven't talked to her much in a while. Her birthday is coming up this month and I'm thinking of getting her a present. I wonder what I will get? Maybe getting a present for Cat will cheer me up. I know it sounds odd, but I like doing things for people... it makes me feel a little less worthless.

I'm not really good at getting anything else done, after all. So even a smile on someone's face is an achievement. I wish I could be happy... I don't think I will ever be happy. But if at least my existence could make others happy...

I'm trying so hard. I want to be a better person. But it's too damn hard right now... everything's just too hard.

I'm sorry everyone. That's all I can say, in the end. I'm sorry because I'm like this and I don't know how to fix it. I'm sorry I can't do anything right, or inspire myself to work. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough so I can be the support others need. I'm sorry I'm just living because I'm afraid to die.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.