On weight loss, and depression, and other discouraging things.

Holy crap that was tiring. We just biked on the road near the farm. Lots of slopes and stuff. I don't think I was out more than 20 minutes but I'm pretty beat. Still plenty out of shape. ;.; I was nervous biking on the road 'cause I'm still unused to keeping my balance, so every time a car would come by I'd get really tense and grip the handles all tight. I have a scab on my finger now from it (cause of the friction from my bike gloves).

Also, my crotch really hurts, wow! I need to melt off more pounds just to lessen all that pressure. :P

Earlier we went out to the "mall," which is pretty small for a mall from my perspective, but is the biggest in town. Got myself a couple of tank tops and yet another pair of shoes out of the end-of-summer sales going on. ^^;; The shoes are cute though, mary-jane style with chunky platform heels. Looks REALLY good with the b&w striped socks I was wearing... I am gonna want to get another order from Sock Dreams now. :O

Except, of course, I shouldn't be spending more money. I didn't spend TOO much today, something like $40-50 Canadian, but I'm definitely not made out of money here. I just get in these depressed moods and buying something I like tends to cheer me up. I guess Jon realizes that, since he was the one who pointed out the shoes. :P It still makes me feel like I'm a big fat waste of money, though.

I was having trouble getting dressed today because I felt really ugly and awkward in all my clothes, and most of it was being washed, so I couldn't decide what to wear. Pretty pathetic reason to get into a fit of anxiety, but that's actually pretty normal for me, especially when I'm stressed about what other people will think of me. Sometimes I think I am lucky not to understand what people say all the time (due to not knowing French very well, unless people speak reeeeeealllyyyy sloooowww :P) because then I don't really get to know what they think.

On the other hand, not knowing means my paranoid mind can make up the worst. :P And I'm pretty good at doing that! Jon says that my mother-in-law noticed I lost more weight though. God damn, it BETTER show, I've actually TRIED to improve my lifestyle to be less sedentary. I also found out (this was a couple days ago though) that in the 3 weeks or so I didn't exercise much due to yeast infection and various anxiety issues, I only gained one pound. I don't LIKE that I gained a pound, but it's not bad if I can gain 1 pound in 3 weeks, but lose 3-4 in the same time if I'm keeping up my exercising.

I'm still in a period where weight loss feels like fighting against the current, I guess, because my metabolism is still on the slow side. So I have to push myself out of being sedentary too long, because I still want to lose 10 more pounds before I visit the States for Christmas time. At least then I'll be around the weight I was when I left in 2004. x.x

Sometimes I get so frustrated because of how much of a struggle it feels to lose weight when my depression is working against me. I'm easily discouraged by setbacks, and I compare myself to others a LOT. It's very easy for the realization of "Okay, you're x above your healthy BMI, you're obese!" to go from "Wow, that's unhealthy, I'd better exercise so I can live longer and feel good about myself!" to "YOU ARE A FUCKING FAT BITCH, STAY IN YOUR ROOM FOREVER AND DIE IN SHAME."

I think that it's my stubbornness that keeps me going despite the fact I am utterly disgusted with my weight gain over the past couple years, because damn, sometimes I just give myself a look in the mirror and want to GIVE UP. (Not to mention projectile vomit at how UGLY I look.) I let my body go to shit after years and years of depression and just not wanting to care, and it will take years longer to work myself OUT of it and keep the weight off. I feel like that with so many other things in my life too... college, depression, eventually earning a living for myself, etc. etc.

The years just keep passing by and I STILL feel like a child inside an adult's body. People my age have graduated, are starting their careers. I've neither graduated nor looked for a job. I'm not even really practicing my skills. I was supposed to make a shell account for Kraken and as soon as I ran into difficulties, I just lost my drive. I keep thinking, I'm just not GOOD enough to do this stuff. I know how to code, run a website and a server, but I know it out of necessity -- I'm not really an expert, nor have I worked professionally. Nor do I even have any faith I COULD work professionally due to my extreme lack of self-esteem and motivation.

But none of my friends that are in their 20's and unemployed right now are sitting around and letting life pass them by. I wrote about Lumi's boyfriend a few entries ago -- there's no way I would ever say that he is a deadbeat or unwilling to work hard. It's quite the contrary, and he is doing everything he can to get and keep a job. Eni has been starting work a 3D engine for a game project of hers, learning how to use modeling tools and other apps I probably don't even know the NAMES for in the process.

What the hell am I doing now? A bunch of nothing, really. Fine, fine, I'm on vacation now so I shouldn't BE doing anything. But what about after? I'll go back to RPing and sitting on my ass a lot? UGH! At the very least I need to figure out the stupid shell account thing, and then I ought to FINALLY move the sim-chan site to its new home, and then work on setting up that website for Anthegenia Records. But am I actually going to do those things? THAT is the question! :P

I am terrible at being motivated. But more than that, I've come to realize that I am SO afraid of making mistakes that as soon as I start having problems, I'll do one of two things:

1) Throw a tantrum about it, putting myself down repeatedly for how much of a failure I am, or

2) Turn away from the problem and forget about it, immersing myself in some sort of distraction instead.

And the sad thing is that #1 is actually the BEST choice, because as long as I'm thinking of the problem, I'll eventually solve it. If I avoid it, it stays in the limbo of unsolved crap indefinitely. And that's bad... because when it comes to things like sim-chan or webadmin things I'm *supposed* to be doing for friends, it leaves OTHER people's stuff undone.

I'm not even very good at relaxing, as you can see. :P When I'm on vacation, I'm already thinking of when it's going to END... always the perspective of the pessimist, for me.