This entry is full of anger and angst.

(In fact it's probably better no one reads this. I am putting this entry out here so I can vent about my emotional state, and so I can be HONEST about my feelings in at least one part of the world... or in this case Internet. Anyway, you've been warned, so do not bother telling me I'm pathetic for whining and suicide threats and so on. I ALREADY KNOW.)

Not having a great couple days lately. I'm having a LOT of trouble sleeping, and besides that I'm easily irritable bordering on depressed. ESPECIALLY because right now Jon is still freaking SLEEPING instead of scheduling L5R like I just poked him to. Why be so inattentive to the players who actually want time to play?

It strikes me that this is why we are so incompatible when it comes to running games. We are GREAT together as players, or if we're just running for each other without others involved. But once there's more people... my anxiety level goes up, way up, and my patience goes down a lot. I often feel like he's less conscious of the players' needs and opinions than me, so I feel it's up to me to communicate things properly and try to be attentive to what they like or dislike in a game.

Fat lot of good it did me in B&B though. Biggest fucking failure I have EVER ran.

I also know that Jon is going to HATE that I'm being all vocal about this on IRC and my journal, but you know what? I do enough holding my feelings in about plenty of things (no, not related to him necessarily, just in GENERAL). I am not going to do it right now, when I am already pissed off, annoyed and/or anxious about many other things.

The most prominent one right now being, of course, the immigration CRAP I am going through, which I believe is causing me enough strife to be emotionally damaging for me. But guess what? I won't get any recompense. I won't even get to call a lawyer about it because I'm too afraid and unconfident I even have a case, and Jon won't help at all with his "well it was my fault anyway so the best course of action is to just do as we're doing."

I still think it SUCKS, though. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have to live in mortifying FEAR that I am going to be kicked out of the country. I realize I have NOWHERE left to go and I'm so afraid because, during the last meeting, I was told I have 15 days to get a lawyer if I think my rights have been compromised. But Jon doesn't think it's a good idea and well, who am I to argue, I don't fucking know anything about how the law works anyway! I am completely powerless and clueless, and I just know I am getting screwed, but I just have to sit here? And wait for them to dispense some sort of ultimatum to me?

I feel so disillusioned with the world. There is no justice for what I suffer now, and there is no sympathy. I told Jon that if they kick me out I'll tell them I'm going to kill myself because I have no home to go to. I'll tell them right god damn there that if they boot me, they are delivering me a DEATH SENTENCE. Part of me is just too stark raving mad to think sense, sure, but the more practical side makes me think it would be the most ideal solution for me. I don't think I could bear the whole process of being FORCED OUT FOR A YEAR for something that I DIDN'T DO. I am already emotionally fucked up as it is, how much more do they want me to take?!

So I get no lawyer in these next few days. I just have to wait. I just have to hope that finishing my form and paying the fees will be ENOUGH that they leave me alone. But even if it is, I will be bitter. Bitter because I have felt so fucking excluded and persecuted because I happened to get married to someone who lives in another country. Bitter because I feel there is NOTHING I CAN DO OR SAY that will change it or at least make it KNOWN, to MY SATISFACTION, that I have suffered for NO fault of my own -- and furthermore, my own husband thinks that this is how it ought to be, because the law isn't going to care!

Fine! You know what I feel like? I feel like someone who's been raped but no one believes me. Jon has an aunt that went through that exact situation -- you know what she did? Killed herself. I get so upset sometimes about this whole situation that the thought of offing myself for this feels almost satisfying. And it WOULDN'T be enough to just leave Canada and go back to the States. Jon keeps insisting I should just go back home and leave him, but how many times do I say that's not what I WANT? I don't WANT to leave. What I WANT is acknowledgment that I have been treated unfairly and emotionally damaged in the process! What I want is that he acknowledge the same and quit saying that the law is ALL as if that erases the fact that I've been hurt!

But instead of seeing that out of my rage and my desperation in these past days, all he can see is that he thinks I should be separated from him and go back to the States. THANKS A LOT. Thanks for suggesting it's better I go back to the environment I tried SO HARD to put behind me. Thanks for giving me such little credit towards how important I think my marriage is, too. I hate that he brings that up -- if he wants me gone he ought to just DUMP ME, or better yet just refuse to help me immigrate. Then I'll have no choice. You think I would choose returning to the U.S. right now if I had a choice?!

I get so worked up sometimes I can't STAND that I want so much to cling to life. I just want to not suffer so constantly and so painfully any more. I want it to END. And you know what Jon tells me? He says that I might as well die then because there is no way I can live without suffering. WELL DUH. Life is not always going to go my way. Fine. But can it just fucking leave me ALONE sometimes? Can I not have to feel so fucking scared every waking hour that I am completely out of control of my existence, that a government can just toss me out of 2 and a half years of trying to build a different life for myself?

I want to die right now. I really do. I know it sounds emo and I hate it sounds emo because I am normally a woman of ACTION, not sitting around talking about things that can't be done. I just can't do it! I can't make myself find a way to die, I can't accept the end of my own existence! This is so damn RIDICULOUS. The best I can do is imagine myself dying, or tortured or raped or otherwise punished, because you know what, it already FEELS like I have been. And no one is going to do ANYTHING for me. I have to do it myself or not at all.

This is the kind of emotion I have been holding in lately. It's no wonder I can't SLEEP. In lieu of killing myself I am going to imagine the worst and most humiliating forms of torture and enjoy the very thought of myself being used like a piece of dirt. Because how else can I cope with this sort of scathing injustice unless I convince myself that it's what I really want? No one believes I have a case anyway! So what if I feel like I'm going to lose my mind? So what if I feel like I'm less than a person because of this entire process? So what if it drives me an inch away from suicide? NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME.

And I bet you that when Jon reads this, he is going to start talking about pushing me away from him because he's not adequate enough to take care of me, or because he doesn't think I like his methods, or because of other reasons that are quite honestly SELFISH and have nothing to do what I want at all! I don't want to leave him -- I want him to understand me, and I want him to stand WITH me as I suffer, not on the side of the law! I just want a voice. I want a voice in this country and I want one in this relationship as well. Don't tell me that I have no right to complain! Don't shut me up by walking away, ignoring my words or telling me it's futile! Don't absolve yourself of responsibility by getting rid of me! That's what I want to say to him!

I'm so upset right now my chest is full of pressure. No not a heart condition, just stress. Lots of damn stress. I can think of only two things to do right now; one is highly destructive and the other is pure escapism. I think I will probably end up doing the latter because once again, I will chicken out on suicide. I hate myself for it. But then again, it's to my advantage if people no longer take me serious about suicide threats because in the event I DO do it, no one is going to stop me. *shrugs* So be it, then!