Drupal upgrade coming up... also, bleh mood.

Well now that I'm done playing PSU (played for hours and hours straight! Reina got 2 levels, Munaxes got 4 in battle strength, and I have a nice amount of photons for sale) I'm pondering working on some web things. Except that right now I am totally uninspired to mess with sim-chan, which led me to think of my PSU page idea some more.

Oddly I'm finding that as I look at other CMS's, I'm finding them all way more clunky than Drupal, which is still my favorite of them all. This may very well mean I'll end up using Drupal for sim-chan, but first of all my thought is to upgrade darksiren.net to Drupal 5.0. This may lead to some serious site breaking for a while (plus, the theme will change again. Sorry to do this to you Lumi :O but 5.0 looks sooo very tempting, and not all the themes I uploaded will work with 5.0, sigh) so don't be alarmed, I'm trying to fix it!

After that I plan to mess with a PSU site which I'm really starting to think will use Drupal also. Gah, I'm a Drupal-aholic! Drupal just feels so lightweight compared to all the other CMS's out there. You get to install exactly as much as you need, which is GOOD! Now that Drupal 5 looks like it's a stable release, all the modules I'm using should be upgradable too. I hope. I REALLY hope I won't break my site, eheh. n.n! I guess I'll just have to backup and hope things go well.

On the depression front: my mood is really killing me right now. I'm starting to feel like I'm in serious hermit mode. So if I disappear for a couple days don't be too alarmed. Just that mood-wise I'm really breaking down a lot and just... ugh. Too many things going on. I've got to think of what will happen to B&B and figure out what I'll do next with sim-chan that won't make me feel like a fucking IDIOT (beating my brain over sendmail did a lot towards that direction already!)

Mostly though I just need more time to myself lately. Seriously... I just feel so fucked up, I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right. Can't STAND how so much of what I wanted to look at as accomplishments are turning out to be sources of frustration or embarrassment for me. When it gets too bad I just find myself a hair's breadth away from wondering why I don't just off myself right NOW, and that can't be very healthy, can it?

I'm just so tired of how hard it is to find happiness and satisfaction in my life or anything I do. I realize that it's not as bad as my mind wants to tell me it is -- sometimes. I have some things that others I know may never have. But I just can't feel good about anything. I just can't. Don't know how to explain that except that everything looks so bleak and so difficult to deal with and I want to just disappear somewhere quietly. I lie on the ground and I think: maybe if I stay still enough I will just lose the will to ever get up again. Maybe if I stop eating I'll just waste away in a pool of my own filth. I guess it's a good thing I have Jon here to pull me out of those thoughts, because maybe I'll just forget to care about myself one day and that'll be the way I'll go. Not with a bang but a long, slow, suffering, pathetic death.

Sorry if that sounds emo. Fortunately, I have just enough stubbornness to me that I know that given a few days I'll get restless and just come right back. Because if I don't work on things, I'll never know if I can complete them, and if I don't keep up with my friends, they'll forget I exist. And I'm just too god damned scared (or too caring about those who'd mourn my passing, choose one) to die, as much as my depression-laced thoughts have me begging for an easy way out of this mess.

Anyway... messing with Drupal is probably something I can handle. If I don't completely BREAK MY SITE (can you tell I'm paranoid?) Grr, I'm kinda annoyed that Drupal came up with an entirely new version just when I'd settled into this one, and was thinking I'd stay in it for a while. But I think I'll regret staying with 4.7 too long, due to lack of support as developers and users alike all switch to the latest version and modules.

Mergh, hopefully this won't take too long. -_-