Utena/Anthy hurt/comfort fic. I read one earlier today and got all "eeee~" about it.
I find it amusing that those two have to be one of my favorite couples in anime OF ALL TIME </kanye> but they're two girls. And I still consider myself straight!
Anyway, I never really thought their gender really mattered. In Revolutionary Girl Utena, that matters way less than the feelings between the characters. As I'm sure I've said before, I think that's what I like about it. Love that transcends gender. That concept has always fascinated me way more than loving, or being attracted to the male gender.
Lately I have been thinking again about my ideas to continue Reborn Again. How I wish there was enough energy and inspiration in my body to do that now! I still need to heal, mentally, though. Everyone's worried about me, because I'm always so worn out, to the point I can't even keep up with my games and I have to keep taking mini-breaks from Dragonrealms.
I have a hard time acknowledging that people care about me. I put more importance on what I can do for others. I want to prove my worth to people... I guess because I don't have any self-worth myself.
And I worry that people will coddle me because I'm depressed. Yeah, I want people to understand my illness, but I don't want people to treat me like I'm breakable because of it, either. Depression does not define me, it is something that affects me. Yeah, sometimes it does make me sensitive to criticism, and paranoid of what people think of me, but what I fear more than ANYTHING is that people are not honest. I want to be able to trust that when they say their opinion about me, they're telling the whole truth.
In fact that's the crux of why I can never (or rarely) acknowledge people's care. Because I don't trust their word. I don't trust anyone to be completely truthful. I realized after a long time that I'm like that because I grew up in an environment where covering the truth was encouraged. I don't think it was done on PURPOSE, or for bad reasons. In fact I think it was encouraged as a means of being kind and protecting: after all, saying what one reallly thinks or how things really are could be interpreted as cruel, mean, discouraging. So instead one says what people would want to hear, says what sounds positive, all the while lulling others into a sense of security while deceiving them to the truth.
Unfortunately, sometimes the truth is found anyway. For example, a mother covering for her angry, emotionally abusive father might tell a frightened child, "It's okay, he won't get upset if you go to him." Or, "Don't worry, he's fine with your decisions as they are." Then the child goes to the father and gets yelled at, punished and told they're not good enough.
That child was me, once. I think that I went through that enough times that I am very, very paranoid and suspicious when people say nice things consistently, ESPECIALLY when I can see no proof that those nice things are true. Even more damning, my depression makes it all but impossible for me to believe I have a single good and worthy trait to praise. Thus leading me toward the twisted belief that people who are praising me might well just be telling me that to appease me, or lying so as to not feel guilty telling me what they REALLY think.
Such thought patterns are neither rational nor healthy, but they're really hard to break. :(
Anyway, back to the topic of writing: I also had a recent idea of trying to write an epic Shining Force fic. I keep wanting to write stuff but never getting to it. The concept would be similar to an old FF12 idea of Lumi's -- basically, having a character on the "bad" side actually survive, due to the fact they were honorable people despite their allegiances. The character I'd save in this case is General Elliott of Runefaust... still to this day my favorite character in Shining Force.
When I first loved Elliott as a character I was just 14, sitting in homeroom writing stories about him in my blue notebook. *sigh* So much time has passed but I still feel like I want to go back and redo my teenage years, sometimes. I don't feel like an adult, even though I'm almost 31. 16 years later, and fantasy worlds are still more appealing to me than RL, generally... maybe it's because I don't feel I ever really lived a happy childhood and teenage years.
Creativity and fantasy are all that make me want to get up in the morning sometimes. I thought of writing an Utena/Anthy story, too... or working on Rose Revolution (my rpol game idea based on Revolutionary Girl Utena). But, I have some rpol updates to work on first. :(
I wonder now whether rpol will last as a pastime for me for much longer. I come and go from a lot of online stuff. It's rare I stick with anyone or anything for long... and it's often hard to get a hold of me. I guess that being isolated makes me feel safer, and less pressured to be there and do things for people, but it's also sad that I feel that way. I wish for a day where life does not feel so dark and my energy is not so low...
