Not really true. But I've been horrendously busy/distracted.
Earlier this week there was this whole fiasco with my brother-in-law coming to visit with his girlfriend during a time 1) we were TOTALLY not prepared for visitors, 2) I was HORRIBLY busy because I had a lot to do absolutely no time and energy to do it all.
Having the distraction of relative strangers in my home (I didn't know the girl at all, and my brother-in-law and I have the language barrier) completely destroyed any progress I would've had on my work. I was extremely upset about that, and at the idea that we were expected to put up with their presence on short notice because he decided he wanted to leave home on a whim. It wasn't even an emergency or anything so much as just... moving with hardly ANY plan of where to stay and what to do for the next few days.
After all that, my RPoL posting was pretty much thrown off COMPLETELY as well, as I couldn't get the energy to do that, either. I just kept getting more and more behind, more and more exhausted. Even doing work for the Order of the White Rose in DR was more wearing than I would have liked. :(
It's a bit silly, I know, but I treat my online responsibilities as important as any other type of responsibility. So long as I don't have anything ELSE immediate (i.e. RL concerns, which should always come first) I want to stick with what I promise I will do. If I say I'll post by x day, I want to be able to do that. If I say I'll write up the Order meeting minutes, or translate a script into note form, I want to do it in a reasonable amount of time.
The medium in which the responsibility is conveyed is irrelevant to me. Even being paid for it or not is largely irrelevant (though pay would be nice, it actually makes me more stressed. :P) It's about taking pride in my work and proving myself dependable and reliable, both to others and to myself. I am always unhappy when I fail to reach a goal, even if it's one I set for myself. :(
That said, I've needed to rest really badly. I feel terrible because I am practically ignoring RPoL right now, but there's really nothing I CAN do but that, at least until I feel less depressed, uninspired and lacking in energy. All I have really had the desire to do is poke at facebook apps. I know that, while they are fun, that is not what I want to be doing with my life eternally.
Speaking of facebook apps though, the ones I am most into right now are...
Castle Age: Kalli's fault, she said it was payback for DR. Tee hee. I'm still pretty low level but am getting the hang of the game. I've trained my character's attack and defense skill really high because I refused to just friend people to increase my army. Actually, I DID end up friending a couple other strangers out of the blue who friended me first, but had to remove one because of political views. Nothing against conservatives, nor am I highly political to begin with... just that I thought his beliefs might clash with some of the things I'd post about.
I even bought Castle Age favor points, just once though! *hides* I just wanted to buy some extra army members, and that pretty pay-only hero, Lyra. Nowadays I actually win more pvp battles than I lose, so it's less necessary to pay for points or pour everything into defense, so I'm increasing energy and stamina so I can participate in sieges and boss battles more (the rewards are great!)
Kingdom of Camelot: Basically an Evony-like game, which cracks me up because I never really played Evony, just saw all those "Play now, my Lord" ads with the chicks showing their tits. Kalli tells me (she plays Evony! and is in a huge alliance there, too!) there aren't even any tits in the game. Amusing, but sad. Anyway, I've been playing the facebook equivalent and find it a suitable time-waster. Just a few clicks, then do something else, then come back later and click again. I even managed to form an Alliance, which accepts people who want to play the game for fun and to help others, not to be pressured to reach the top.
Others I'm really liking, but just play sporadically. Like Fishville (I really, really like the music for some reason, but it's a low maintenance game), Cafeville (again easily maintainable or even ignorable, if I use dishes that take a long time to cook, or just clear the stoves for a while), Petville (create a cartoon pet, decorate her house, buy her fashions and stuff, just have to make sure she's fed and clean now and then), Mafia Wars (like Castle Age except mafia-oriented! And I think Castle Age generally has more complexity than this game).
Happy Habitat was my first favorite, where the focus is not on growing crops but maintaining a mini-ecosystem of animals attracted by plants you grow (or packs of other animals), consuming them and mating to produce more. I even tried playing Farmville, though I don't think it's my favorite app, by far.
Facebook can be a biiiig timewaster if you let it! Since I'm new to it all, I'm just messing with everything to see what I like more, and then will settle with a few games here and there. (Especially once I'm out of my funk and can start writing and doing work again.)
Anyway besides the poking at Facebook, procrastinating/hiding from RPoL, and trying to get my mood/energy back... I've still been playing some DR. Training Talliska is mostly done with scripts nowadays, so it's not really a bother; what takes the most time is dealing with Order stuff. Fortunately there's enough good people nowadays in the White Rose to ensure work is done, even if one person has to be absent or slack now and then. It's nice to see. :3 I recently wrote several documents for the Order, some of which I may share, or post when I FINALLY get Talliska's website up and running again. Mostly, I just can't decide if Talli should get a blog, a wiki or something else!
There's been a bit of drama, but it's fortunately unrelated to me. I've given my opinions and in some cases passed on news to people, but it's something I can have a certain distance from. Furthermore, the turnover is short. Things happen, people part ways with the Order, and then we continue on as before. I really like that. I love the people who are filling the Council now, they are all great. Many of the members are also great but it's hard to know them all at once!
It's nice, at least in a fictional world, to be able to work toward something positive and potentially wide-reaching. Yesterday (Wed) was Alexsei's triage team meeting, with input from the rescue and defense teams as well, and tonight we'll be headed over to Theren to meet with the militia there, and talk about inter-provincial support during invasions. So cool.
How nice it would be if I could apply all the skills I've used as a writer, an organizer, an administrator and everything in between to something that would improve the quality of my life. Unfortunately, I think that while my depression remains untreated, it's so hard to get myself motivated that it's easier to just sit here and react to things on the screen than focus on real money, real issues, etc.
I do genuinely feel I'm lazy and worthless at times, but when I think about it... if that were the case, why would I feel so guilty about it? Why would I wish that I could go outside more often, be more physically active, do at least simple errands independently, care enough to even bother finishing my college apps? If I truly just enjoyed being unproductive, I'd sit here in glee and pat myself on the back about how I have this awesome setup where I can live my life sitting at the computer doing nothing. (That in itself is a misnomer, since "nothing" still involves me spending hours upon hours writing documents, running websites, communicating with people and organizing groups. Just online and in games, not RL.)
I am more than aware that what I'm doing right at this moment not healthy for me in the long run, that I need to somehow find, generate or be granted (by positive circumstances) the impetus to push myself out of the rut again and be healthier, happier and productive. I've not lost faith to the point that I am satisfied with my life as it is now. I don't believe that all I'll ever accomplish in life is running forum roleplaying games, gaining leadership positions in Dragonrealms, fending off attackers in facebook games, or taking care of virtual pets. (Gods no!)
I want more than that. I want my REAL life to be as fulfilling as my online one, and to reach the greater goals I set for myself when I realized my future lay not just in survival, but in creative pursuits that inspire others to believe in themselves. To get there, I have to make sure I survive this day, and trudge on to the next, without losing that little flicker of hope that keeps me wondering what's on the horizon.
