Oy, trying to work my brain around a new college system, 10 years after my first college, is really tough. I had to juggle around a bunch of PDFs trying to figure out WHICH was the RIGHT schedule, and what classes exactly do I need to take and so forth. But I mostly arranged how I hope my schedule will go. I transferred 15 units total (all general ed.) and decided I'd be better off just starting over fresh with CS courses.

So that means I'll be at Concordia University for 6 semesters minimum. That's still taking the bare minimum I need to be a full time student (12 units). The 15 I did decide to transfer helped me out, since the usual Canadian university level is actually 3 years, not 4. Otherwise I'd have to take 15 unit semesters and I so do not want to do that. Instead I'm taking 3-4 classes a semester. I hope it'll not be too much of a strain.

I figure if the first semester is really bad, I'll either try to break the next one, or become a part-timer and try to get extra income a different way besides government loans.

I wish I could just go part-time and still get financial aid, but that's not how it works, of course. Ah well. I'm just not totally sure I'm ready to go all out with full semesters, but this is the only way I can get money and contribute right now. I'm frightened that it's going to be scary for me being out on my own after 4 years of being a hermit, but I also fear another year of sitting idly doing nothing with my life.

Thus the compromise. My first semester will be taking classes I've largely taken before, so they won't be high strain or high maintenance. The strain will come more from getting used to campus life again and becoming more independent.

As for the actual schedule, it looks like I'll be free Mondays, with two classes (one uncomfortably early, eep) on Tuesdays and Thursdays and a late Friday 3 hour lecture. I have one more class to register, but I'm still working on it because the one I want isn't opening up for me yet. It may later -- I'm going to keep poking at it next week when test results for people's winter quarter comes in. Apparently people sometimes end up getting dropped from their Winter courses due to failing classes. I've found that in Concordia they want you to actually register for Fall and Winter all at once. So if you fail Fall classes your Winter ones get wiped out. Pretty sucky, I hope that doesn't happen to me. *crosses fingers*

Another thing that will be really, really difficult for me is that I'm basically asocial in RL. I don't really like to talk with people, don't relish working with them or anything like that. It's odd because I can work very well with people online, but at least I can turn the internet off when I want to, but I can't do that with real people.

So I don't know. It's not the college stuff as much as the people element that frightens me. As well as my ability to balance my school life with home life and with pastimes like RP. One thing I promised myself is that I don't want to be the kind of person who would actually sacrifice a chance at education and future for RPs. I couldn't possibly live with being that pathetic, honestly. So if it came to that, I'd drop them in favor of school. I've always known it would come to that one way or another.

It's not that I think RP is totally useless for me. I've practiced my writing a great deal through it, and it's served as a great catharsis and pastime. But the truth is, I don't think my future lies in just RPing on forums. I want to make an impact on the world, something larger and more meaningful. To do that, I need to be unafraid to experience the world outside, to involve myself in it at least somewhat. Even if I'll never be the social type, I have to at least be willing to embrace I am a human on this earth.

I would be sad for myself if my entire existence would be sitting in front of this screen, writing out stories in anonymity and fear of the unknown. I feel that there comes a time I just have to bite the bullet and push myself out there, because the more I wait, the more I sit here and build up my paranoia, the harder it will be to push out of my comfortable little shell.

The life I live right now is not one humans are meant to live: one where I mistrust everyone and can only find motivation through pressure. I wish I could break those aspects of myself. I hope that when I go back to college, it won't be to face yet another failure, and it will help me feel confident in myself. This is my last chance, I want it to count. I want it to matter, and I want it to change my life, not bring it down.

But I look at my past and I have such a terrible record. When was I ever able to do as well as I imagine myself to do? Only when the classes were so easy I hardly had to make an effort. I only wanted to get by. I got terrible grades in things I ought to have done much better at, but simply didn't feel like trying, or couldn't. I want to believe this time, at my third university, is the moment when my troubles are over and I can achieve something I can be proud of.

I lived for four years in this new country, waiting for that moment to arrive. But it never did. Simply leaving my parents' place never brought that happy conclusion I hoped for. The burden of my past is a heavy one. The burden of my depression is almost unbearable. Everything I embarked on since leaving has left me realizing that the stain of those things has infiltrated every aspect of my life. My marriage, my friendships (what few I dare keep), my pastimes, my self-image, my impression of the people and the world around me. Though I have fun with many things, I've never truly been happy. I've always felt guilty one way or another -- if I'm doing something fun, I'm slacking off from doing something else. If I'm working then I'm not doing it well enough. Outside, I'm the ugly fat person, or the 'not speaking French well enough' person, or whatever else.

And there's the even darker side of my illness, the one that makes me believe that I can find comfort in self-harm. I don't cut myself, I never have, but as I've explained over time through these entries, I've found easily concealable ways to abuse myself. Though I've managed to control some of those methods, I still have that basic instinct to deprecate myself when I'm stressed, disappointed or afraid. My instinct is a twisted one: I believe I must be punished to relieve my shame, stress or worry. Doing so makes it feel "right". But it's not really right, even though at the time my mind is certain that this is what I have to do to make things better.

All those negative habits that do me so much harm are not just going to change if I sit and wait for them to. I could rest forever and it wouldn't be enough. I could keep running and running, but I know that if I died as the person I am now, I would be unsatisfied with my progress in life. I don't want to die a hermit. I don't want to die a person who gave up on her dreams.

That's why I think that this is about the best time as any to go to college. If I waited another year, would I have used it to help myself? Would it have made a difference? Four years did not. If I run now, and decide I'll wait another year, what happens next time? Will I always choose the path of least resistance? Am I that kind of person?

I don't believe so! IF I was, I wouldn't even be here. I would have stayed in the States. I wouldn't have tried my risky, ill-thought-out immigration into a country where I don't even speak the primary language. I came here for freedom from a life where my only motivation was guilt and expectation. I want to be able to claim that freedom, for once in my life, and to do so I have to realize that yes, things won't be perfect, and yes, I'll be scared -- but I'll do it anyway.

That's what true courage is. I'm going to go out there in early September and I'm going to face my fears. I'm going to do my very best to see them for what they are. I'm going to put my paranoia in its place. I'm going to reclaim my dignity and I'm going to do it for me.

At least that's what I hope I'll do.