Moving

Well, I've had a pretty hectic week and sadly, it's not even done yet. So don't expect me around till next week. :/

First of all, there were delays in getting the new apartment ready for us, so we had to wait for a few days for that. (Plumbing and etc.)

Then we finally had the clear to move but the movers weren't ready to go, so we could only bring what would fit into the car.

Except we didn't have a car any more, because apparently my old Saturn didn't pass the final inspection, and they basically told us ON the day we were going to move that my car had to be taken out of circulation.

So now my car's sitting in some junkyard somewhere, or already turned into scrap, after I obsessed for months over whether I'd ever get to see it again, whether it'd still work after sitting in a garage for all that time, and etc.

Well the move got pushed forward again, but it's a good thing, because we're not even done getting the place clean before heading out.

I feel kind of bad, because I told everyone I'd be moving today, but then plans changed. We still have some junk lying around, the walls are dirty, etc. so there's still work to be done. (Edited for clarity :P) But I COULD be around, since Jon is doing most of the heavy work due to me being a worthless loser. I even got on PSU yesterday cause I really, really wanted to try Max Attack G part 2 while we took a break from stuff. Just a couple hours, but still. :/

I feel my life is a waste unless I'm around for people or doing things for people. Maybe people need me around and I'm just flaking out. Like, am I going to come back online at the new place and realize people are upset at me because I could've been around on Fri or part of Sat but I wasn't?

The other thing on my mind right now is about Kalli.

Technically we're moving on August 2nd now, 'cause the landlady said she has emergency things on Friday to deal with. But we really have to stop being lazy and push to do the rest of the packing on the 1st... so I don't plan to be online much if at all.

That said, the past couple days have not been all that great...

Erm... well...

Sorry I've been really scarce online, just not much in the mood to be about what with the upcoming move and my mood lately. Honestly, I'm not even sure we'll get everything done that needs doing before Friday. Still a lot left unpacked and I hardly have any motivation to help. *sigh* Jon kept telling me I didn't have to help, and now we only have two days left with too many things still left unpacked. (I've actually been embellishing the truth with some people about just how much we have done, heh.)

I don't even know how we're bringing some of our stuff to Montreal ourselves, when I don't even have my car back or know whether it runs properly!

Since I didn't really get much done yesterday besides sit on my arse, have some sort of epic argument with Jon about packing, and then script a lot of DR, here's my totally useless post about the new Ranger circle requirements.

This is the first time I'm even aware of them, because I didn't even bother checking the Ranger guild forums until today. (That and Olwydd's site has a circle calculator with the new reqs now.) Apparently the change means lower weapon ranks, and MORE survivals. Gawk! No more general survival ranks so I'll have to train specific skills, and I mean... train them HARD.

According to Olwydd's...

Tonight was a pretty wearying evening in DR. As usual, RP is srs bizness, in Elanthia. It gets like that when you've poured years and years (for some people, over a decade) of training, backstory and interaction into your character. Gotta try really hard not to take it too personally, sometimes. 'Cause it's a game, and not RL.

On the other hand... my games are sometimes all the interaction I have with people. I've not hid the fact I've been practically a shut-in for 3 years, I suffer from major depression, I have serious anxiety issues and hardly any self-esteem to speak of. I don't have many friends, online and off, and I have trouble trusting the few I do have. It means I often feel alone even if I'm not, and I'll expect betrayals even if none are there.

Sometimes they are there. But that's another thing entirely.

Kalli is moving to a new place starting this weekend, and she won't have internet there. *sniff* At least not for a few months maybe. I will miss her so very much. I cried a lot when she first told me, because we've finally managed to get back in touch and talk regularly, and now we're going to lose that for a while (no RPz or DR either. *sad*)

It's totally the right decision for her to move, though, and I'm both happy and proud she's doing it. Change can be intimidating -- it certainly is for me, after I've become too used to my current surroundings and circumstances -- but change can also be for the better. Both she and I need to become more confident and independent when it comes to real life responsibilities and such. So I hope that our respective moves will help us improve the quality of our lives and allow us to take more control of our future.

After she moves, I'm going to be checking my email every day for word from her (if she can get online somewhere) and posting photos of my new home, maybe even sending her some books as presents while she has no 'net. For now though, I still have a few days of Kalli left :D and so I will hog them! MINE!

Trying to run Emberdays yesterday sucked, again. I wish I would actually succeed more than I fail, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems ED is cursed with me being in my worst moods whenever I try to run it, lately. But then again, it could also just be because I suck.

I don't really believe people would want to continue playing if I'm canceling or delaying or cutting sessions short all the time. Even though they might say they do, the idea of that just boggles my mind. No, my players are supposed to be saying my depression / anxiety makes things unfun, and that being flaky with sessions is inconsiderate because they have to take time out of their day to BE there.

I'm at a point where if people claim not to think that (or something similarly disapproving of me), I just think to myself "they must just be saying that to be nice".

(Named thus because I was writing this while listening to Diamanda's Guilty Guilty Guilty.)

I didn't like the Emberdays session this time. I have to confess it was really hard for me to run. I just don't have much confidence in it, I guess? But I did get it done.

I get frustrated with my anxiety problems though. Seriously, with games, I get all these great ideas that look awesome when I think them up and write them out, but I totally *freak out* when I run stuff. Every time I have to go through a difficult panic attack before or during running a game, or have to force myself into running despite apprehension or weariness, I end up thinking to myself: why am I even doing this?

The answer is simple: because I love creating... I love thinking up stories and building worlds and playing NPCs and bringing people into the worlds I imagine.

But why it has to be such a drain... well that's a different thing altogether.

So I'm back~

And we've got a lease for an apartment in Montreal. We put in the deposit, and are pretty much guaranteed to get it (apparently the landlady really likes us). We need to send over a few bits of information though, because we forgot to bring some documents. Wah.

Kalli was saying she helped us out by thinking about us getting a nice apartment the whole time. XD Woooo, voodoo powerz.

But it's a nice place. It's within walking distance of my college, a grocery store, pharmacy, hell... plenty of malls and restaurants too. It has a laundry room (mine right now does not. :O) It's on a low floor, which I really wanted -- I preferred having no one living below me so I could DDR to my heart's content. XD It's probably doubly as big as our current apartment.