Work

There it is, on the left right (WTF dyslexia). Or if you're viewing this through RSS: Donate to darksiren.net

I'm not a person who likes to ask for charity. Do it if you feel it is necessary, otherwise don't. For a long time now I've offered free hosting to my friends and I don't intend this to be a "now you have to pay up!" thing. Just, if you want to (even if you're just a passerby) the option's there.

What I will use donations for...
- pay fees for darksiren.net (both the domain and the VPS)
- potentially, upgrade the VPS, if I receive enough donations to warrant that (that'd be at least $20 a month on top of current fees, or $240 more)
- pushing further, could also be used for me to buy a second server, where I could possibly start up some low-cost web hosting with software installed on demand.

I was going to spend tonight working on Rosalia's sheet, but once again, I was thwarted. :/ Deadlines and weariness aside, friends > RP and I really wanted to be there to talk.

I've seen with my own eyes, and lived with my own experience, how much damage depression can do to a person's life -- and sometimes, the lives of others, too. I understand all too well the self-destructive urge, but I have the wisdom of many years of self-analysis and a husband who just never quit when it comes to making me face the *truth* of my condition. I honestly consider myself lucky that I've had these years to think about myself and what's really wrong with me. Many people with my condition never get that far -- they only continue to blame themselves, and believe that everything that goes wrong in their life is their just desserts.

Geez, I'm doing a lot of web/sysadmin work lately. WTF, man. When did I start getting so busy? =_=

Anyway, I was making a user account for my sis. :O which should've been easy but because of the different account types I've ended up having to make (some cpanel/ftp, some shell/ftp) it's always ended up kind of complicated.

Generally, if I know the user wants a darksiren.net subdomain, but ALSO shell access, I can't create them a cpanel/ftp account. This is because all cpanel/ftp accounts operate under my username, not their shell account username. This can be VERY problematic permissions-wise.

I'm all sore and sleepy... I swear, I don't think my body can get used to waking earlier than 2 pm for some reason. That'll be a problem when I go back to college, I think... well maybe by then it'll be fixed, I dunno.

Yesterday we went shopping at the nearby mall with my sis. None of us really bought all that much, actually. Just a couple articles of clothing. My sis spent most of the 6 or 7 hours we were there mostly waffling about what to get (not unexpectedly!) Heh, I wish I could be that picky. I'm overweight so it is harder to find clothes I really like that fit me. So it made me a little bit... aggravated, I guess, because I saw *plenty* of stores with clothes I would have loved to buy if I was a more reasonable size.

I'm so pathetic, and I'm going to write about it, because if there's one thing I can safely talk about openly in this mood, it's myself.

(Note: It gets rather repetitive, so don't bother reading unless you want to be bored to tears, or be amused at my terrible life and my useless whining about it.)

I just wish right now that I could've been normal. And I don't necessarily mean normal as in BORING, I just mean a normal adult, who has a job and can take care of herself. I don't necessarily need the college degree, but it would help. I just wish I earned my own money -- or believed that I could, anyway, since I can't work legally while I live here right now.

Some more details.

Well, okay, not many, but something better than the last post. :P [Edit: actually, this post is longer than I expected it to be. Oh well.]

(Oh and before I continue. I removed the "I left ADoA" post, but it is still true that I left ADoA and #unshaped and am not coming back to either. The post removal has to do with not wanting to draw further attention to my leaving, and exacerbate the hard and/or uncomfortable feelings on both sides because of it.)

Okay, let's see if I can try to summarize what happened with the interview:

I'm still not in any sort of normal sleep schedule right now. -_- I hope to correct that by the end of the week.

I think being able to sleep more and relax is doing me a lot of good though. I mean... a LOT. I'm in a better mood generally and I'm starting to feel a little more human, I guess. There are some things that still bother me, though.

Like the fact that there are people in the world that seem incapable of understanding that emotional problems such as anxiety or depression can be just as debilitating as a physical disorder. It's that kind of attitude that gives people like me a bad reputation -- because after all, if I'm physically healthy, I have no excuse for having problems getting work or going to school. I'm just not trying hard enough and/or finding excuses not to.

I just don't know what to do.

I don't feel like I'm going to be better any time soon.

I just want to disappear because I'm not good at getting things done. The most I've done is kept ED running, and I have enough ideas prepared that I can do that. But beyond that, I don't know. I'm just... horrible. I feel irritable and intolerant of even the littlest annoyances. I can't feel enthusiastic about anything.

I don't know how to not feel like this once it starts. I've just had to let it run its course. Is that what I'll do now?

Grr, I'm in the middle of a random bad mood. =_= Though some good did happen. I got to talk to Lumi a bit, and worked something out with her and Emberdays, too.

Other than that, I was trying to poke at playing a PSU alt but kinda lost my desire to after a while. I'm kind of paranoid now. I have trouble staying isolated even when I feel I need it, cause I think people will think I'm snubbing them and get hurt or upset or just plain apathetic towards me in the future. :P

I hate how my life feels so pointless sometimes. I dunno. *shrug* I got really depressed about it last night. I just don't feel like I'm getting anything done or doing anything right.

I think I finally ironed out everything I needed to with UnshapedWiki's internal permissions. One thing that makes me glad for slogging through figuring that out is that it might actually help me figure out the thing with Kraken's shell account. Maybe. I did get to test some stuff out on a smaller scale and that was good.

The part that *sucks*, I think, is that I'm going to have to go through and change a bunch of other permissions settings over time before I actually get to it. Got to make the entire darksiren.net directory more secure. *wobble* I don't know if I want to do that now, though. So... I probably won't. But, then again, I might be tempted to poke at it anyway, knowing me.

I dunno. Sometimes I really like sysadmin stuff. Sometimes I realize how much I SUCK at it, and really ought to make better use of scripting languages. My perl classes seem so far away... ;.;