Roleplaying

I've been having a hard time figuring out how to write entries lately, for some reason. Like so much has happened, or is in the process of happening, that I just have NO idea where to start, where to end and how to divide it up.

Well, to make it easy for myself I'll open with the easier topic, that is, my return to online life. :O

First thing I did coming back was get back on AIM and IRC, of course. That was on Friday. Immediately had a lot of chatting to do. ^^; I was missed, despite all my usual fears, and that was nice to know, even though for a while there I was thinking about not returning at all.

Well the move got pushed forward again, but it's a good thing, because we're not even done getting the place clean before heading out.

I feel kind of bad, because I told everyone I'd be moving today, but then plans changed. We still have some junk lying around, the walls are dirty, etc. so there's still work to be done. (Edited for clarity :P) But I COULD be around, since Jon is doing most of the heavy work due to me being a worthless loser. I even got on PSU yesterday cause I really, really wanted to try Max Attack G part 2 while we took a break from stuff. Just a couple hours, but still. :/

I feel my life is a waste unless I'm around for people or doing things for people. Maybe people need me around and I'm just flaking out. Like, am I going to come back online at the new place and realize people are upset at me because I could've been around on Fri or part of Sat but I wasn't?

The other thing on my mind right now is about Kalli.

Erm... well...

Sorry I've been really scarce online, just not much in the mood to be about what with the upcoming move and my mood lately. Honestly, I'm not even sure we'll get everything done that needs doing before Friday. Still a lot left unpacked and I hardly have any motivation to help. *sigh* Jon kept telling me I didn't have to help, and now we only have two days left with too many things still left unpacked. (I've actually been embellishing the truth with some people about just how much we have done, heh.)

I don't even know how we're bringing some of our stuff to Montreal ourselves, when I don't even have my car back or know whether it runs properly!

Tonight was a pretty wearying evening in DR. As usual, RP is srs bizness, in Elanthia. It gets like that when you've poured years and years (for some people, over a decade) of training, backstory and interaction into your character. Gotta try really hard not to take it too personally, sometimes. 'Cause it's a game, and not RL.

On the other hand... my games are sometimes all the interaction I have with people. I've not hid the fact I've been practically a shut-in for 3 years, I suffer from major depression, I have serious anxiety issues and hardly any self-esteem to speak of. I don't have many friends, online and off, and I have trouble trusting the few I do have. It means I often feel alone even if I'm not, and I'll expect betrayals even if none are there.

Sometimes they are there. But that's another thing entirely.

The Twilight Ball in DR was (amazingly) pretty fun. Ryshy and Alexsei were there all the way until people were booted out of the Keep 'cause the event was over.

Mostly Alexsei was introducing her to tons and tons of people and she was being all sociable and happy for once. Heh, who knew it. Maybe it was all the wine she drank and cake she ate. She and Alexsei had a couple dances on the floor too, though once he started dancing with others Ryshy was pretty much nonexistant to everyone else -_^

Only two people actually noticed the gown, too. Two, maybe three, I dunno. It's an original, but well, Ryshy is kind of not-noticeable I guess. Alexsei's outfit was pretty hawt though, and the cane got him a lot of attention.

Trying to run Emberdays yesterday sucked, again. I wish I would actually succeed more than I fail, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems ED is cursed with me being in my worst moods whenever I try to run it, lately. But then again, it could also just be because I suck.

I don't really believe people would want to continue playing if I'm canceling or delaying or cutting sessions short all the time. Even though they might say they do, the idea of that just boggles my mind. No, my players are supposed to be saying my depression / anxiety makes things unfun, and that being flaky with sessions is inconsiderate because they have to take time out of their day to BE there.

I'm at a point where if people claim not to think that (or something similarly disapproving of me), I just think to myself "they must just be saying that to be nice".

Sorta... I mean it's not a big deal, just going to the mall to get the D&D 4e books and maybe a bite to eat.

Speaking of 4e, I ran some of Roguelike Adventures and Kalli really liked it ^^ So that was nice to know. She said I'm better than 90% of the DMs she's played with, but then again, most of those games were face to face, not online. Online is a very different animal, I've found.

But I am apparently good at creating suspense on the fly, at least in writing. :O

What I'm not so good at is figuring out when to call a skill check, or coming up with appropriate DCs for 'em. I may have to put Exalted-ish house rules because I boggle at the idea of 1) binary failing or succeeding, rather than levels of success or failure, 2) not being able to reward players for making creative posts (i.e. stunt bonus).

Ugh... for some reason I'm way too hot, even though it's 2 am and I have the huge fan at my back. I think I must just be stressed out. :/ Some difficult stuff happened (not to me, though) that got me all tensed up. So I'm gonna lie down soon.

I spent the whole day in DR, and not actually getting many survival ranks. I've just been tweaking these training scripts Manze gave me, which led to a rash of redoing old scripts I already wrote before, and adding some new ones, too. I've got almost everything that I'd actually like to script scripted. :O

And Talliska has something like 12 ranks of general survival until circle 33.

I'm gonna run D&D 4e tomorrow (well, later today!) I'm not all that prepared, but I'm still going to try and test stuff out with Kalli and Jon. I suppose we'll just try and see what happens. :O There's a lot of rules in the DM book, but I think I'm just going to use the basic XP total guidelines and put random stuff per room, and traps. (Dun dun dun!)

Kalli wanted to see this, so here it is. It's one of my longest posts for Iya... a ritual sacrifice to a Storm Mother of the West. You don't want to offend a god of sea storms when you're sailing in the middle of her domain. :O That's just bad juju.

Iyadali, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, is one of my Exalted 2nd edition characters from Roleplay Online. She's a shaman from Okeanos (aka the Neck, as the Realmites call it), and a Twilight Caste Solar.

Unfortunately, I'm doing this stunt without charms, because she doesn't *have* any yet that would help. Whoops. I can only hope my roll isn't bad -- I tend to let the ST roll for forum games, so she can give bonii as appropriate, so I won't know till next she posts. ^^;

Anyway, the post:

Mostly I was playing DR yesterday (and this early morning). Oh, and I did play a bit of Rosalia with Nekira, too. There was a week timeskip so now she's noticing her servants getting ominously ill... dun dun dun!

At one point in the afternoon I came on to reboot and totally forgot to actually do the reboot. *boggle* Ah well. Also meant I wasn't on anything but AIM all day.

I think I'm suffering some pretty severe stress symptoms right now. Like... my chest feels like there's pressure sitting on it. My shoulders are strained and sometimes I can't feel my extremities on my left side. I went out to take a walk earlier in the day and the combination of stress and heat made me so lightheaded I had to turn back.

So I guess I really just need to rest and have some time to myself, again. I may even see a doctor if this continues beyond the next couple days, despite the fact I don't even have my health insurance set up yet. Just feeling really bad right now.