Creativity

I've been having a hard time figuring out how to write entries lately, for some reason. Like so much has happened, or is in the process of happening, that I just have NO idea where to start, where to end and how to divide it up.

Well, to make it easy for myself I'll open with the easier topic, that is, my return to online life. :O

First thing I did coming back was get back on AIM and IRC, of course. That was on Friday. Immediately had a lot of chatting to do. ^^; I was missed, despite all my usual fears, and that was nice to know, even though for a while there I was thinking about not returning at all.

Well the move got pushed forward again, but it's a good thing, because we're not even done getting the place clean before heading out.

I feel kind of bad, because I told everyone I'd be moving today, but then plans changed. We still have some junk lying around, the walls are dirty, etc. so there's still work to be done. (Edited for clarity :P) But I COULD be around, since Jon is doing most of the heavy work due to me being a worthless loser. I even got on PSU yesterday cause I really, really wanted to try Max Attack G part 2 while we took a break from stuff. Just a couple hours, but still. :/

I feel my life is a waste unless I'm around for people or doing things for people. Maybe people need me around and I'm just flaking out. Like, am I going to come back online at the new place and realize people are upset at me because I could've been around on Fri or part of Sat but I wasn't?

The other thing on my mind right now is about Kalli.

Erm... well...

Sorry I've been really scarce online, just not much in the mood to be about what with the upcoming move and my mood lately. Honestly, I'm not even sure we'll get everything done that needs doing before Friday. Still a lot left unpacked and I hardly have any motivation to help. *sigh* Jon kept telling me I didn't have to help, and now we only have two days left with too many things still left unpacked. (I've actually been embellishing the truth with some people about just how much we have done, heh.)

I don't even know how we're bringing some of our stuff to Montreal ourselves, when I don't even have my car back or know whether it runs properly!

Since I didn't really get much done yesterday besides sit on my arse, have some sort of epic argument with Jon about packing, and then script a lot of DR, here's my totally useless post about the new Ranger circle requirements.

This is the first time I'm even aware of them, because I didn't even bother checking the Ranger guild forums until today. (That and Olwydd's site has a circle calculator with the new reqs now.) Apparently the change means lower weapon ranks, and MORE survivals. Gawk! No more general survival ranks so I'll have to train specific skills, and I mean... train them HARD.

According to Olwydd's...

Tonight was a pretty wearying evening in DR. As usual, RP is srs bizness, in Elanthia. It gets like that when you've poured years and years (for some people, over a decade) of training, backstory and interaction into your character. Gotta try really hard not to take it too personally, sometimes. 'Cause it's a game, and not RL.

On the other hand... my games are sometimes all the interaction I have with people. I've not hid the fact I've been practically a shut-in for 3 years, I suffer from major depression, I have serious anxiety issues and hardly any self-esteem to speak of. I don't have many friends, online and off, and I have trouble trusting the few I do have. It means I often feel alone even if I'm not, and I'll expect betrayals even if none are there.

Sometimes they are there. But that's another thing entirely.

The Twilight Ball in DR was (amazingly) pretty fun. Ryshy and Alexsei were there all the way until people were booted out of the Keep 'cause the event was over.

Mostly Alexsei was introducing her to tons and tons of people and she was being all sociable and happy for once. Heh, who knew it. Maybe it was all the wine she drank and cake she ate. She and Alexsei had a couple dances on the floor too, though once he started dancing with others Ryshy was pretty much nonexistant to everyone else -_^

Only two people actually noticed the gown, too. Two, maybe three, I dunno. It's an original, but well, Ryshy is kind of not-noticeable I guess. Alexsei's outfit was pretty hawt though, and the cane got him a lot of attention.

Kalli's leaving tomorrow... I guess I've not been very much in the mood to post.

I've been irritable for the past few days. One could say that I have trouble trusting people and thus my first thought is to assume they think ill of me, or think me a burden. I'm very paranoid about that, and enough suspicion on my part can make me just want to disappear.

I feel like I can say little to anyone lately. :/ I've been making an effort to, lately, especially now that I won't be talking Kalli's ear off, but my urge is just to be withdrawn. Maybe it's the big change coming up for me (note: we are indeed moving August 1st.) I have no idea. I know I ought not to discredit my friends -- there are people that truly care about me. But I get paranoid they might change their minds, so I keep a certain distance. Maybe they're just saying x just to be nice, is what my depression says.

So I spend most of my time playing Dragonrealms and Sims 2.

Well, I'm a bit better today. Probably going to be pretty distracted today though... I threw off my sleeping pattern when I had to lie down. I was so sick with stress I was too weak to get up for several hours.

I did rest though, and I talked a lot to Jon and spent time with him. I always worry about the repercussions when my frustration gets the better of me, or my paranoia, my trust and control issues, my anxiety or so on. He is so often my target, because 1) he lives with me, and 2) he is probably the only person I'd hope would still talk to me after I show him my cruelest and most selfish side.

I'm the type of person to expect people to hate, abandon, or discredit me. As friendly and accepting as I can be, I'm very hard to get close to. I'll purposefully withdraw from people when I feel too asocial or anxious. It's easy for me to just disappear, when I don't expect anyone to miss me.

Trying to run Emberdays yesterday sucked, again. I wish I would actually succeed more than I fail, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems ED is cursed with me being in my worst moods whenever I try to run it, lately. But then again, it could also just be because I suck.

I don't really believe people would want to continue playing if I'm canceling or delaying or cutting sessions short all the time. Even though they might say they do, the idea of that just boggles my mind. No, my players are supposed to be saying my depression / anxiety makes things unfun, and that being flaky with sessions is inconsiderate because they have to take time out of their day to BE there.

I'm at a point where if people claim not to think that (or something similarly disapproving of me), I just think to myself "they must just be saying that to be nice".

Sorta... I mean it's not a big deal, just going to the mall to get the D&D 4e books and maybe a bite to eat.

Speaking of 4e, I ran some of Roguelike Adventures and Kalli really liked it ^^ So that was nice to know. She said I'm better than 90% of the DMs she's played with, but then again, most of those games were face to face, not online. Online is a very different animal, I've found.

But I am apparently good at creating suspense on the fly, at least in writing. :O

What I'm not so good at is figuring out when to call a skill check, or coming up with appropriate DCs for 'em. I may have to put Exalted-ish house rules because I boggle at the idea of 1) binary failing or succeeding, rather than levels of success or failure, 2) not being able to reward players for making creative posts (i.e. stunt bonus).