Catharsis

Trying to write out my feelings after moving to Montreal is, again, something I've had a hard time putting in words.

My impressions of the city itself are easy enough. I like it so far... or at least the small part of downtown I live in, 'cause I've not had the opportunity to go very far yet. Hard to do really, what with all the errands we still have left, and a lack of money.

The conveniences here are better than I had in Quebec City. We have a grocery store just a couple blocks away. Few blocks in the opposite direction is a mall and the closest subway station. Within walking distance, there's plenty of other malls and restaurants. Same with my college of choice (it's only one subway stop away, so it's more worth walking it unless the weather truly blows.)

Technically we're moving on August 2nd now, 'cause the landlady said she has emergency things on Friday to deal with. But we really have to stop being lazy and push to do the rest of the packing on the 1st... so I don't plan to be online much if at all.

That said, the past couple days have not been all that great...

The Twilight Ball in DR was (amazingly) pretty fun. Ryshy and Alexsei were there all the way until people were booted out of the Keep 'cause the event was over.

Mostly Alexsei was introducing her to tons and tons of people and she was being all sociable and happy for once. Heh, who knew it. Maybe it was all the wine she drank and cake she ate. She and Alexsei had a couple dances on the floor too, though once he started dancing with others Ryshy was pretty much nonexistant to everyone else -_^

Only two people actually noticed the gown, too. Two, maybe three, I dunno. It's an original, but well, Ryshy is kind of not-noticeable I guess. Alexsei's outfit was pretty hawt though, and the cane got him a lot of attention.

I don't know if this is what dying of stress is supposed to feel like.

My chest has this pressure on it and it's hard to breathe. My left arm and leg are numb and the extremities are prickly. It's kind of like I'm having a panic attack but without the feeling of impending doom.

I don't really feel like doing anything right now. I want to lie down or just go catatonic and not care about anything. On the other hand, I can get myself to do small things. Like, I wrote a RPoL post. Probably the only real effort I made today.

I spent part of the afternoon indulging myself...

Trying to run Emberdays yesterday sucked, again. I wish I would actually succeed more than I fail, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems ED is cursed with me being in my worst moods whenever I try to run it, lately. But then again, it could also just be because I suck.

I don't really believe people would want to continue playing if I'm canceling or delaying or cutting sessions short all the time. Even though they might say they do, the idea of that just boggles my mind. No, my players are supposed to be saying my depression / anxiety makes things unfun, and that being flaky with sessions is inconsiderate because they have to take time out of their day to BE there.

I'm at a point where if people claim not to think that (or something similarly disapproving of me), I just think to myself "they must just be saying that to be nice".

(Named thus because I was writing this while listening to Diamanda's Guilty Guilty Guilty.)

I didn't like the Emberdays session this time. I have to confess it was really hard for me to run. I just don't have much confidence in it, I guess? But I did get it done.

I get frustrated with my anxiety problems though. Seriously, with games, I get all these great ideas that look awesome when I think them up and write them out, but I totally *freak out* when I run stuff. Every time I have to go through a difficult panic attack before or during running a game, or have to force myself into running despite apprehension or weariness, I end up thinking to myself: why am I even doing this?

The answer is simple: because I love creating... I love thinking up stories and building worlds and playing NPCs and bringing people into the worlds I imagine.

But why it has to be such a drain... well that's a different thing altogether.

Friday was my day to get out of the apartment for a while. Jon and I walked the whole distance to the mall, that was nearly an hour walk, but great exercise! Kinda tired me out, though, going all that way without even eating beforehand. :x

I almost bought a pretty dress on sale (it was really cute ;.; this kinda offwhite, with brown and burnt orange leafy patterns. I really like those colors on me.) But instead I went and got Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 2 for the DS. Does that make me a total dork, choosing video games over fashion? PROBABLY! :D

I came back and played some PSU (it was a lil late though, like 12 am) which was fun, since I haven't played in like 2 weeks. ;.; And then I talked to sis on Skype a bunch while training Talliska in swimming, skinning and combats. We had a nice conversation about various things. Nothing stressful, really. Work, games, etc.

Yesterday made me rather grumpy.

It's not even anything in particular. Just things that are slowly starting to wear at me emotionally.

Various conversations.
RP issues.
Stuff.

I can't say much detail here... there's personal things involved. In at least one case it's someone fairly close to me.

[TMI warning: Themes of abuse, graphic descriptions of sexually demeaning fantasies, etc. The really graphic parts are labeled.]

It's raining outside...
storming actually.

I started my period. I haven't even packed yet. =_=

I ended up caught in some sort of depressive phase before I went to bed because sis was talking to me about... a certain member of my family, and I just...

...

Well... the bad stuff is more personal. I'm going to play it safe and just call it family problems. Also involving money.

It got me very, very upset though, and pretty much screwed me for getting ANYTHING ready for Soul Collectors, and I ALSO have to run ED tomorrow. So I'm... not sure what's going to happen with SC now. Jon keeps insisting I shouldn't run, but I REALLY, badly don't want to cancel.

I mean, it just feels even WORSE to cancel a game that only runs EVERY OTHER WEEK. *sigh* I am made of fail... I mean, wtf. Should have stuck to finishing it earlier instead of procrastinating / working on other RPs. Needless to say, I'm just going to run it anyway. I just feel *obligated* to. Going to mean a very sleepless Friday.